My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
