highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
