her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
