my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
