We won't sleep together?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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