Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
