I cockslap morals
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
