good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
