If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
