he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
