sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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