Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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