so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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