Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
