She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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