Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
