You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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