I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Randomize
