Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
