I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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