WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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