official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
COCAINE IS GR8
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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