Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
