There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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