So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just invented taco cereal.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
