Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize