be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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