my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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