Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
