Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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