Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
