hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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