I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
