Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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