well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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