That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize