i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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