I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
