Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
