The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
