she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize