It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
