he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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