Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
