It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
