I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
