Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
