i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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