God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
