i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
