by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
