So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
