I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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