You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
