I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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