At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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