youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
This gyro tastes like lonliness
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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