carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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