I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
