i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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